Pursuit of avoiding irritation

The title seems a bit weird... looks similar to "pursuit of happiness", but a bit weird. However, I was talking with my wife, and this thing came up, that I am getting irritated by many things, and how I live my life with it. With that in mind, I thought this is probably best title for my Autobiography, if I plan to write one. I would want to add some things in this section, and hopefully, it would be a good read, and I'll continue writing more.

A bit about me first. I am a software engineer, working in Microsoft. Had some experience in Google and Facebook before, and studied in IITB, which is one of the best colleges in the country. I married my wife 4 years back. Ours was an mixed arranged / self arranged marriage. She is working as engineer as well in Qualcomm. My parents are from Aurangabad, and they are visiting me right now in Hyderabad. I make good money, have car, house, cool gadgets (like my Roomba). Things seems like they're going well for me. Recently I am buying a house, getting settled in India from US. It's a new thing in my life. Lots of new things to take in. New people, new culture, new issues.

But, with all of this, I am always irritated. I have felt like suicidal before, I've felt given up on everything. I burst out of people occasionally. But, with all that, I try to keep myself calm. My wife seems to like many things. She enjoys art, cooking, meeting people. I don't. There are rarely any things that I enjoy. On the outer shell, I look like very approachable. That means, people are happy for me to be with them. On the bad side, I've to hear all their problems. Even though, I have no solution / suggestion to most of them. I hate being a good boy, that I've acted like for so many years. But, I haven't had any bad intentions in my life either. I feel just bored so many times, and even though I feel tired from exhaustion, that's the only things that feels comfortable to me.

Lots of things irritate me, frustrate me, pain me. Maybe it's people annoying me, maybe it's they expecting things from me, maybe it's people asking me to do things I've no interest in. I like to live in a world, where I've choice to do things I want. I frankly don't expect to get many fruits from the world actually. If "Karmanyevadhikaraste, mam faleshu kadachan" to be believed, "I have right to work, and not fruits of it". So, that should have been simple. But, it's not. And that's what irritates me. With that in mind, I'm going to add some stuff here that I find irritating on regular basis, 

Overflow of information

I recently heard in some presentation at Facebook, "every second, approximately 5000 hours of consumable content is getting generated". Meaning, if you look at the text, video, music or any kind of content generated within a second, it'll take you about 5000 hours to read/hear/watch it. Now, some of this information might be repetitive, some might be incorrect, and some might be even irrelevant to you. But, the fact that so much content is there, is mind boggling.

Now, this causes a shift of paradigm in knowledge consumption. In my childhood, the overall assumption was that more knowledge makes your life better. So, our brains were trained to grab more and more information wherever it came from. We read some interesting books, we watched videos (In TV and in cinemas), we listened to radio, conversations. We tried to grab opportunity of grabbing as much as possible. Of these, our knowledge was the filtered information. We dissected information, tried to find right, wrong and relevant parts of it, and we consumed the right one, discarding the rest. But, even then, the remaining information did stay in our head. Because that's how our subconscious works.

Now, given the usage of internet, where all information is freely accessible and all relevant/irrelevant information is up for grabs, this old approach has noise issues. Imagine 1000 people trying to tell you something at a time. Individually, each one of them may have a point. Some of their points may be contradicting to each other. Some might simply be irrelevant for you. But, you still hear all of them. And your brain gets a sense of being full of knowledge, whereas it's just full of information. The dissection process hasn't even taken place. So, your mind is filled with so many contradictory statements, that you haven't got time to resolve and you have so much irrelevant content which is not so easy to get rid of.

Because of this, in later stages, your brain understands this problem, and starts making auto-dissection of this information. It knows its limits, and it must keep only limited information as "knowledge". So, it goes to bias. Every human mind has his own set of biases about what's right and what's wrong. In an ideal world, where flow of information and dissection rates are comparable, these biases are supposed to be changed/corrected by this information, like re-evaluation of basic concepts. But, when we haven't got time to do so, we just keep our biases as they are. And so, we assume right and wrong based on our biases, which even strengthens the biases themselves. Like if you think dinosaurs are cute, and all you see is cute Dino cartoons, you'll strongly think that dinosaurs are cute. Maybe you're too scared to watch Jurassic park or maybe someone else made that decision for you, or you just ignored it completely by separating dinosaurs from some ugly monsters in the movie. In the end, your bias is set.

So, I think it's time to change the knowledge gaining strategy. One way is to consume only verified and well noted resources. But, that causes lack of complete picture in many cases. One more way is to keep the biases, and do more evaluation on biases all the time. This works, till someday if you find mistake in them, and you go in limbo, and think that your whole life is a lie. Or you simply carry your bias till the grave. Another way is to dissect all information coming to you at any rate. Well, any brainiacs here? Because we need one for this. :) I myself chose a way. Now, you may call or right or wrong. I ignore most of what's going on around me, consciously. I stay low in conversations as well. This gives me some disadvantage in debates, since I don't stick to some bias or opinion. But, it helps me stay focused on things that matter to me. And since all information is available at any time, whenever I am in dire need of information, I just, "get it".

We are in a flood of knowledge. Let me know what are the strategies you've found to stay afloat.

Sun

We went to see Pacific ocean today. What a beautiful scene it was. First "blue" waters on the beach I have ever seen. And the timing was perfect... during sunset. It was about 6:30 PM in California.  I was just looking at the sun going down... down into the ocean. I realized, that it was 7 AM in India. Sun must have risen at that time there. Without realizing what I was looking at for past half hour, I was just watching at the beauty of beach and sun performing together. Realization was that this was the moment in the day where the Sun, was not only looking at me, but also at my parents, my brother, and everyone there in India. Even though, I am across the world, there is this one guy, who is looking over me and my family. Directions might differ, where me looking at it to west and my family looking at east. But, he looks at us daily. Sun, the connecting bridge between all people, made me realize that I was not that far from my home. No matter where I travel, he'll always be there. He'll greet me in the morning, and say adios in the evening. But, will always come back, like a common friend given to me at all the places on earth. I realized, I'll never be far away, no matter how far I go from home.

Work

There is an interesting thing about how much time one can do work in a single run. Obviously it depends on who is doing it. As for me, it goes through 3 different phases. First is learning curve. I am in general not confident about the type of work in this phase. New stuffs comes along. In this phase, it is quite likely for me to give up things.
Next phase is routine phase. I know exactly what I am doing and how am I doing it. I am the boss here. I don't depend on anyone's input in this phase, I tend to be even a little bit instructive in this phase. Basically, awesome time.
Next phase is boredom. Now I'm so used to this work, I don’t feel like doing it anymore. Given a work item, I know exactly how to do it, but I don't want to. In figurative sense, when I can work with my eyes shut, I tend to fall asleep. I want to get something new now. And even though I can do amazing things here, I want to get out of here.

Now, the term "work" that I am using here, is not just for my office work. It is also during my college time, also while talking  to people, also while learning some thing extra-curricular. And here are my experiences about them in all the phases.

Learning curve
I am new to the work. I have absolutely no clue what people are talking about. I am just trying to fit into the whole structure. There is a sense of pressure on me, that whether I'll be able to do it or not. And also I many times have a feeling that this thing is out of my league. Many times, I have given up the work at this point itself. There are many courses in IIT I remember, I just couldn't get in the beginning. So, I gave up on them. Many opportunities, like studying abroad, studying for MBA, I gave up. Just because I felt that they were not "my thing". It wasn't always the case though. I learned how to play tunes in piano. I learned how to code in MS. So, when I try to realize what was the factor that caused this distinction between achieving and giving-up, I point to one small thing. "Something clicked". I tried, and failed, I tried again, again failed. But, in the end, I found something in that work that interested me. Like while playing piano, I found that I can relate to sound frequencies and figure out which tune is played by what key. Or at work, I just thought it would be interesting to create the whole system on my own. There were off-course boring parts there as well. Like not being able to play any song on the run in piano, or being bored while fixing bugs in office. But, something that clicked, made me go through that boring part also. Or, I think I tried to hold on to those "clicks" very long, because I wanted and loved those clicks very much. So, no matter how much I was overwhelmed with the work, or difficulties I faced, I finally managed to succeed in those things.

Routine
This is a dream-like time. Everything seems to be falling into place by itself. Whatever I do, it just works out properly. I am doing what I want to do. I am getting different ideas in my mind and implementing them simultaneously. I am experimenting with things, creating new things. It's like dream come true. The routine, being just started for me to happen, it seems lucrative to me as well.  I am so excited about so many new things I can explore, I just want to do it all. I want to create my own identity in this. I want to be its master. And the way things go in this phase, I almost become one. May it be foosball, bike, OOP work here, piano, I just love doing it. I am constantly exploring new things. I'll learn new moves in foosball, I'll try to get to 120+ on bike, drive car for 600+kms in a day, give suggestions to my manager and colleagues about work, I am just stretching what I can do. I love this phase. I have come up with most of my achievements during this phase only. Just appears like nothing can go wrong now, and I feel invulnerable.

Boredom
In a simple word,  "Budhapa". I am doing just great in the work, things are falling in place, nothing is going wrong etc. And one sad day, I don't feel like doing it. The thought process starts like this. First I start doing work. I feel like it's a 'cup of tea'. But, now the newness of that work is gone. I have explored many things in that part of work now. There is no obvious new experimentation that I can do there now. So, even though the things are falling in place, I just don't feel like doing it anymore. Just now when I was typing last few lines, I opened the facebook like 2-3 times. It's like that things that I felt boring about the work earlier, start coming back to bite me again. The curiosity, the lucrativeness is gone, but boredom is still there. So, I start losing my patience while doing it. I try and start some other work. I try terribly hard to find something new in that work, but with no success. And in this way, even thought I was supposed to be a 'master' of the work, I start achieving less and less in it. And call it Karma, or something, things also start falling apart. Then, at the end, I feel like there is nothing I can or nothing I want to do in this type of work, and I give it up. And this is story for many of my work-items I have gone through in my lifetime.

Frankly, I was planning to draw few graphs that represent my enthusiasm, toughness or work, boredom etc. on the scale of time. But, even this writing took a toll of me now. Someday, if I feel  writing about it again, I'll continue. Till then, adieu.

A year to remember

"When I was of your age, I did ..."

A standard template by any father in this world to tell kids. Sometimes I wondered where their deeds, or achievements came from. Some say, they made everything on their own. Some say, they achieved so and so. Some say, that they were so well in academics and career. Some even speak about their adventures, trips, sports. I am 25 today. Learning phase in life is so called 'over' by now. Many of my friends have enjoyed lots of things, achieved so many things by now. I was wondering for myself what I have done so far? I mean I had pretty good career curve so far. No issues with job, no problem in family. Everything is fine. But, nothing stood out except for few days earlier. But, then this last year happened.

There is a term in Marathi called "गद्धेपंचविशी". They say that you do lot of stupid things, make lot of wrong decisions in life, get into lot of trouble in between age 24-25. Many of these moments define your life path later. Well, many of things that I did in last year, are definitely going to define my life for sure. But, fortunately, not in a bad way.

Starting with the biggest one. I have a group of friends now. Never thought this would be possible for me. I mean, I had friends before, but not like these. But, I have friends to whom I go and can do all kind of 'bakar' for hours. We (Me, Ankur, Pushkar) have an awesome group. We had common interests like stocks on some day, or coding-competition on the other, or new job search on some other. But, out interests matched all the times and we formed a group. Currently, I have a reason to come to office, because I am damn sure that I won't be bored there at all, since there will be these guys to tease :P, chat, and play foos-ball and do infi random bakar with. It was the biggest thing I have achieved in this year.

In between past 2-3 months, I was running through things. For instance, I gave 4 different interviews in a week. Imagine that. Google on Monday, Facebook on Tuesday, IIM-Calcutta on Wednesday and Amazon on Friday. And astonishingly, I was highest "bug-fixer" in my team in the same days. I never imagined that me, who told his manager upfront some day that "I don't want to fix bugs", will be able to manage this. I also wanted to switch team once Windows 8 was done, so, I wanted to prepare. But, never got enthu to start working on it. But, then when Pushkar told me about code-chef and how his batch mates do lot of coding, it gave me enthu. I started coding, and then I decided to apply. After in total 5+6+2=13 interviews in different tech. companies, I finally decided to join Google. My dream job since I was intern there. Google, Mountain View, California. YO!!!

Then there was something about the CAT too. I was not much interested in doing the MBA from beginning, but, I thought, why not give it a try. My mom was very eager for me to join an IIM. So, I said, 'fine, I'll give the exam. We'll see what happens'. In between 2 coding milestones, there isn't a lot of work, so I got bored. So, I was wandering around in Madhapur area and I found this TIME office. I just went there and paid 5k for their test series. Then when I came home and wondered would I even do it, a thought said, "man, why did you put 5k in it then?" So, I started reading English after that. The CAT result was not much of interest for me, but became very useful one day. My mom had a kidney operation couple of days back before result. Every relative was coming to visit her and asking how was she doing. Basically whole typical gloomy atmosphere. The moment my result came, everyone coming was with some sweets and congratulating mood. I don't believe much in psychology, but it changed my mom's mind state from "I am ill, but it is feeling little OK now" state to "I am completely fine, I am just waiting for doctor to discharge me" state. She was walking the next day. Amazing!!! :)

I changed my flat due to water problems in my last flat last year. Since then I had very good home in White fields, Karan, JJ and Piyush were really good flat-mates. Very helpful, and very enthusiastic folks. Helped a lot with my mood, and every exam I gave, every interview I had, seemed a bit easy because of their support.

I had an amazing last year. Hoping that my coming years will give me same joy and success like this one.

Satisfied : PART II

For those, who don't like calculating and equations, lets go with another analogy...
We know that if you drop a marble on slope, it goes in the direction of slope and settles at bottom, such that it can't go further down, without climbing something. (In maths, term is "local minima")

Say, there is this surface, like earth, with lot of mountains and ditches. If I drop a marble, it'll go to a ditch. Now, consider height as opposite of your satisfaction level. and gravity being your motivation. You want to go down.. Simple?
If laws follow well, you'll do what gives you most satisfaction.

But.. and here comes the inertia part.... Say, surface is made of a cloth and marble has weight.. what happens. Even on flat surface, marble puts weight on cloth, creates a ditch for itself and settles itself. Even if it is lying on top of a mountain, it'll think that it's in a ditch.. and hence don't want to travel anywhere.. and surprise... it doesn't go down....

Similarly, due to the K' discussed in earlier post, or our hatred to do stuff, or stay in inertia, although there is a slope made for us, we won't do it.... Easy, right... In other words, if I sleep even till 11 AM, I should be excused.. and its law of nature I am following (:P)

Satisfied???

Well, today was one of those days, when I got real bored.. I mean REAL real bored. Literally, I didn't want to do anything. But, there was always something in my mind saying that, I am not accomplishing anything today, my life is waste etc. etc. ...

So, I thought I should play piano, or do painting, but frankly, didn't want to get up. I was being less satisfied by idea of not achieving anything, but at the same time, I didn't want to do anything.

So, it hit me. Even though I want to accomplish something to get satisfaction, why am I not doing it? Well, there is some negative value for work to be done.

Now, only question needed to be answered was, how long I have to do more work? So, I got up, and since I had nothing to do, I drew these specs.. Have a look..

Here, K is something that you do, when you don't feel good or bad, and you don't achieve anything that you feel satisfied about... You don't like it, and you don't dislike it.. etc. etc. A neutral work... like, breathing, sleeping etc.

"l" is amount you are doing less work than K. and all of a sudden, you decide to do "m" more work than K.

Work(t) : W(t)

Accomplish(t) : A(t) = Integral(W(t) - K)

Satisfaction : S(t) = A(t) - K'*(W(t)) + K''.

K' represents how much you hate to do work.

K'' represents how much satisfied you are in general. So, lets forget K'' here.

Now, T is the time for which you need to more "m" more at least so that at the end, you'll feel more satisfied about your decision to jump the Work curve.

By calculations, you get : T = K'*(l+m)/m = K'*(l/m +1)

To, more you jump, lesser it'll take. Or, lesser you hate your job, your good to go...

But, there is another time T'. If you jump for even less than this, you'll feel.. "Ohh, my life is becoming more and more bad..." since your curve now, is below the curve, even without a jump.)

By calculation : T' = K'*(l+m)/(l+m) = K'...

So, more you hate your job, you need to try it a little more....

Well, moral of story,.. I feel quite satisfied, that I actually did something for some time today.. YEEEEEESSSS..